Today, I am despondent.

I will never be perfect. Even as I am growing older, even if I have reached another milestone in life... I will always be imperfect and I have flaws. But that is okay. That is alright. As long as I live with Him.

As long as I walk through this journey of life with Him.

God is in control

Tonight, I had some time to quieten, reflect and not rush over work... I was on MC today.

After dinner, I paced around the living room, while thinking of the patients.

'What else can be done for them?' A repetitive question in my head for the past months.

It has been tiring.

I had to watch my patients decline, in the midst of unending social problems.

I watched my patients sink into depression. I watched my patients fade away.

And a constant repetitive thought, 'What else can be done for them?'

I worked hard and studied new methods to help my patients. I sought advice from different sources.

It is depressing. Because some decline cannot be stopped. Some problems just cannot be solved.

Even though I've seen death many times in my nursing career, it is still challenging to watch the light fade away from a patient's eyes.

Tonight, as I continued to worry, I was reminded of the fact that God is always in control of all things.

As a healthcare worker, I can only play a supportive role at best. But ultimately, life is in God's hands.

Not everything needs a solution. Not all endings will be beautiful.

I have tried my best. I need to learn to accept, trust, and let go, when the time calls for it.

Oh

By the way, I'm engaged.

Hello Haha.

God will not forsake them

Lord, You love the ill, the broken-hearted, and those in need.

And You will not forsake them.

Lord, you gave me a heart to love the needy. Let this not be in vain.

I was hopeful.

 

I was an aspiring graduate.

I had the world ahead of me. I was excited for the journey ahead.

 

Back then, I had regarded Nursing as my calling, and was grateful that God had planted in me the desire to care for the ill and needy.

~

 I am not sure how the me of the past would look at my present self.

 

But it appears that everything I had worked so hard for, everything I had prayed for, had somehow come to realization.

I think I would be very proud of myself.

Having gone through the physical exhaustion, mental exertion, stress, anxiety, hard work and tears during my nursing career, I should be very proud of myself. 

 My achievements are not great.

 But they are enough, to help me realize that God has been very faithful through it all.

 

In the very first interview of my nursing journey, during my enrolment into NUS nursing, a professor asked what I feared most about the future.

 

 'To give up,' I told him.  

 

Somehow, I made it through.

And I am still here. I am still a nurse.

 

And God still walks with me each day, as I continue to learn what it means to die to oneself to serve the ill and needy.

 

In Him, I can find solace, peace and hope. 

 

Nothing I do in this life has any meaning if it is not done with You.

 

Constant Reminder to Self

Your job is not to judge.

Your job is not to figure out if someone deserves something.

Your job is to lift the fallen, to restore the broken, and to heal the hurting.

-NursingGuide.ph

“You begin your journey not knowing where it will take you. You have plans, you have dreams, but every now and again you have to take uncharted roads, face impassable mountains, cross treacherous rivers, be blocked by landslides and earthquakes. That’s the way my life has been.”

- Lee Kuan Yew

Lord, give me the eyes of empathy and love to look beyond the ugly behavior of others. 

It doesn't matter what they do to me.

It's what I can do for them.

No one can take away the joy and peace that the Lord grants me through His unconditional love for me. No one.

Except myself.

You're more than a conqueror when you know that you already have the victory before you ever get a problem.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Lord, it is not about what I want.

It is what You want.

Lord it is never about me.

It is about You.

The gift of His love

The greatest gift that can be given is offered to each of us every day, yet few of us have the faith and self-esteem to accept it.

God offers us His love.

All we have to do is open our hearts and make the decision to receive it. Then we in turn get to pass it on to others.

To fall is not to fail, unless you fail to get up again. - Mary Pickford.

Lord, my future is in Your hands. In reality, I can't truly control anything. I humble myself before You and cast my cares into Your hands. Thank You for Your care. Amen.

Love God Daily

Remember that whatever you do for others, you are doing for God.

Accomplish great things in the name of Jesus and finish strong.

Just do your best, and enjoy life while you are maturing. 

I don't know how it happened, but it did.

I found the man of my dreams.

Stop trying to stop fearing or worrying

- In the words of Jay Adams

Lord, if I have another bout with fear or worry, I'll just have to have it. I am going to leave that in Your hands. 

Casting all you care upon Him for He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7)

It is important to care for the temple of your body

Even more important is your spirit, which is the light within that temple. A beautiful temple may attract others, but it is the light that will touch hearts.

Chastity

http://chastityproject.com/2014/06/man-wont-sleep/

For the very first time, I find myself dating a man, who wouldn't urge me to engage in certain physical activities, much only to his very liking. This coming from a girl who's exasperatedly almost gave up on love because most of her past dates had only wanted a friend with benefit.

We enjoy each other's presence when we're together. We take the time to talk about lives and connect emotionally, on a level deeper than could have been achieved had it been done physically.

I see this respect for chastity, as an act of love, maturity, and one that honors God.

And for that, I love and treasure our relationship.

Thank you for everything, Davy.

Though I am weak, You are strong

We act on what we believe, so positive thoughts cause positive actions. If you want a positive life, begin thinking positive thoughts. It is easy to do so if you read the Word and meditate on all that God wants to do for you and through you. Get alone today, and think about all the good, positive things God has done for you in the past, and all He has planned for you in the future. - Joyce Meyer

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I have been so negative lately its killing me, slowly.

I am quick to anger.

I get frustrated easily when things don't go my way.

I get frustrated when I face criticisms. I am actually ready to hurl vulgarities at the critics.

It is slowly but surely, killing me.

Emotionally and physically.

I was so tired that I slept my day away, knowing that a pile of work is waiting for me and that there was no more time left to waste.

Sleep was my only escape.

I can't think with my head each time I get angry and frustrated. I say things that wouldn't help the situation at all.

I get pissed off with my colleagues for making less than positive remarks at me, even if I know its true.

I get pissed off with anyone who makes work a little tougher, including my patients.

I get pissed off with everyone in general, whenever one stands in my way.

And I know, that I need help.

I need to recognise that God's love and grace is beyond the problems I face. 

Whatever unhappiness I face, they shall come to past.

His beautiful plans and His love is eternal.

God has given me beautiful things in my life.

I may be imperfect, but my God is an almighty God who is strong and who loves me very much.

His strong hands will lift me up, each time my knees buckle and I fall to the ground.

And Lord, because of You, I can pick myself up, and be a positive person from today.

May I not be blinded from Your lovely touch in my life.

I'm glad I'm with a man who respects and never will be abusive to me in any way.

Fig leaves.

It feels like a fresh new beginning.

I was at youth camp yesterday.

There was a special musical session by Oops Asia, a guest performance item. The musical was good, but wasn't spiritually impactful.
What really nailed it was the preaching.

That young, seemingly boring-looking dude, spoke with so much impact through the content of his speech.

It was like he nailed every hurt in my heart.

He spoke of fig leaves.

Then the eyes of both (Adam and Eve) were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.  

  - Genesis 3:7 ESV 

The fig tree, in the past, was a source of security and income. Its fruits were sold to garner income for the people of Israel and Palestine.

Similarly he was using the fig leaves, as a metaphor, which we clothe ourselves with to hide our humanly insecurities, such as physical appearance, achievements, etc.

Because we do not want others to see the way we see ourselves.

But in an instant, the fig leaves may be blown away by a gush of wind.

Leaving us in all our nakedness, and vulnerability.

I listened with intent as he delivered his speech. Because I'd never thought of it that way. My achievements are simply fig leaves. And yes, the worries I'm facing, stems from the fear that a gush of wind will blow my fig leaves away in an instant. The knowledge that this was impending had burdened me for months.

As the pastor called people to come to the altar to be prayed for, I really wanted to get up, but was as usual shy to.

It takes courage to walk up to the altar. Furthermore, I was among a lot of people and the front area was too crowded.

It was not until the pastor mentioned about a message to girls about physical appearance, beauty and modesty, did I muster enough courage to walk up.

Because I am all too familiar with that fig leave.

As I got up there, I felt embarrassed. Because I'd situated myself way too far back, amongst those that didn't get out, so much so that the praying volunteers did not realize that I had come to the altar.

Yes I was embarrassed. So I prayed for the people ahead of me. It was always better than praying for myself.

Even though I had taken the courage to walk up to the altar, this act was all too familiar. I had done similar during other church services but I hadn't experienced any change to my emptiness, my brokenness. Sure I'd feel enlivened for an hour or two, but life returns to status quo of spiritual dryness thereafter.

A lady however came beside me quite some time later, she spoke in tongues, and I spoke with her. She paused. And said,

God has spoken to my heart to give you this message

He has not forgotten you.

And He has a very special task for you for His people.

and prayed for the healing of my brokenness and for God's anointing over me.

I broke out in tears, immediately. I'd not experienced this in years.

I remembered the times as I cried out to him in my bathroom (while bathing.. yes I pray while bathing because I am usually mentally unoccupied during this activity)

God have you forgotten me? Why have you forsaken. Have you forgotten why You'd brought me into nursing in the first place... Have you forgotten your plans for me in this beautiful profession? Have you not seen the hurt I face. Have You forgotten me? Have I forgotten...

The nights I'd pray on end, emptiness-filled. I've prayed to surrender to him, and still nothing happens. I've tried to read the bible, I've tried to be serious with every reading. Still, I felt empty.

But that very afternoon, He told me that He sees my pain, my hurt, and that He has not forgotten me and His very plans for me.

Nursing has always been a spiritual calling.

A spiritual calling to care for the ill and needy, the hurt and the broken, the people He so loves.

He was with me, through and through, from the time I worked hard to clinch the interview to get into the school of nursing in NUS, to my arduous time of study in the school of nursing, up till that very miraculous achievement in my honors year of study, working with my guardian angels, my professors, who supported me relentlessly even after my graduation, the director of research in my hospital who supported me and gave me valuable opportunities to grow.

But recently, everything is starting to fall apart. I was embarrassed at my desensitization to my patient's pain, hurt, sadness, and needs. My research director had to leave the hospital, leaving all the plans and opportunities she had for me hanging, the dean of NUS nursing school has left, she had played a vital role in my achievements.

I was left, standing alone, in the wind, fig leaves strewn.

Very soon, those that I have used to cover myself - my escalated progression, my research, my scholarship offer, will be blown away.

My greatest fear is to be left exposed in all my nakedness, the way I saw myself - unachieving, unintellectual, average, and ugly.

But God wants to clothe me with His everlasting love and grace.

And curse the fig leaves we use to clothe ourselves.

I never have to feel naked, vulnerable, hopeless and empty.

We are not forgotten.

Knowing yourself

In an ever-changing, ever-evolving world, you are your most beautiful constant. - Mandy Hale

Love my new props!

 

 

 

I love my new room.

 

 

 

And so does Cookeh.

 

Zombied

I had approximately 5 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours.

I'm not sure what caused me to be utterly depressed.

But I am right now.

After my string of night shifts today, I attended an important meeting and headed out to meet some friends to celebrate a friend's birthday.

I heard them talk about having fun, and felt particularly estranged from the idea.

I am nowhere near this conversation because it has been a long time since I last did something for myself and just basically have fun.

Its not that I don't totally not have fun. Because eating is a way of mine to relieve stress and a reward to myself for working hard.

I suppose I don't even realize how hard I work until today.

I think about my poor patients, and suddenly realized how much my world had centered around them, and making the world a better place for them

But it also dawned on me that I had cared about everyone else and work, but myself.

Being aware of this, I felt really lonely. As if being acutely aware that I am cared for by no one, not even myself.

I cannot help but feel extraordinary today. 

I think it's the hormones. 

On this full moon night,

I thank God for all his blessings.