Hot Pink

I did some crazyyy stuff.

Painted my nails hot pink. I figured out that this was going to be the last time that I was going to have painted nails so might as well try a weird color.

And then, (kill me not) i got flamboyant copper highlights.

I'm starting to love colors very much. My new set of clothes will be full of bright colors!

Shopping in Korea shall fulfil my appetite for pastel colors.

I am relaxing too much. On to working on clinical documents and my long-lost publication.

Woots

I did something crazy! *Sings opera*

Anyway, I'm going to cosmopolitan Sydney for boring 6 days to experience the cold. We initially wanted Perth's farm stay. I thought i could bring all my favourite checkered top. Because it was going to be too cold in the farms during this time of the year, we decided against it.

For a moment I thought I could meet Nick or Brenda in Sydney but then I realized that he's in Melbourne and she's in Brisbane.

And because we're going with a tour group I bet it would be completely boring.

Only good part about the trip is that I'm travelling with MOMMY! My first time travelling with her again, since I was nine.

And then I'll go for my commencement, and head off for....

KOREA!

With my best travel buddies, Sis and Shan.

I can't wait. Dad has surprisingly agreed to lend me the DSLR camera. I'm gonna create beautiful pictures again. Just you wait. ;)

안녕하세요

제 이름은 송 Song 현 Hyun 연 Yeon 입니다.

서울에 가요.

Holiday and GSS

Someone pointed out that my latest blog post sounded suicidal. It dawned on me that...sheez yea it does sound like it!

Allow me to reassure that I was just randomly ranting like I always do when I feel angsty. I missed being in a foreign land and meeting new people, forgetting about the past and worrying about the future, simply living in the present and at the moment.

My holiday plans are still not finalized but I hope I can go to Japan. Korea is unfortunately cancelled :(.

I do hope to visit Australia, although the only thing thats holding me back is the cold. I'll have to wrap myself up like a rice dumpling instead of looking all glamorous in trench coats, stockings and boots.

By the way, today I had a sneak peek of the world since my attachment last ended on Sunday, and Oh my! GSS is indeed enticing. I regret to inform that I have bought $115 worth of merchandise in just one random shopping session. And they are worthless make-up products that I already have in my bursting drawer.

I have also bought more dresses to fill the wardrobe, which is on the verge of exploding.

I cant wait to do muay thai again and do something different from my usual working routine. I need some refreshment in my life.

I also need the coughs I've been experiencing to go away for they are a huge disruption to my slumber.

I want to be far far away!

Yes! I'm finally done with attachments.

Can't wait for KOREA and Australia!

The ideal situation is to leave Singapore for many months and only come back in August for work, because i don't have much of a choice.

I want to live another life for a while.

I don't wanna be back at all.

I want to live in a place where nobody knows who I am and where I am fully uncontactable.

Especially on my birthday. I'm through and done with this present life, and my birthday wish is to live another life. That is all.

A pity I can't be in a faraway land on my birthday because my best friend who's going to Korea with me needs to be back by then. Maybe I should try travelling alone!

But with my innate talent of getting lost, I believe I'll never return again should I attempt to do so.

Like a boss

Life sucks when...

You're ill but you have a ton of things to do.

You cannot solve the mountain-load of problems.

You're feeling lousy but you feel the need to produce a masterpiece.

You feel that you're not good enough for anything.

You cannot meet the expectations of others.

everyday you're struggling to perfect something that will never be.

everyday is a losing race.

you have a low self-esteem.

you realize that you're the only person, who does not believe in herself, but you can't do much about it either.

Oh my tian

This is top secret. I don't think I'm supposed to scream it out cos' results are not officially out yet but...

As I was pulling my hair and cursing and swearing while working on the publication and congress presentation, I received an email from my prof.

I thought it was about doing more work so I opened the email reluctantly.

To my greatest surprise, it was an email congratulating me for being the only one in the cohort for getting A+ for my thesis.

So I screamed and ran out of my room like a really crazy woman.

OMIGAWDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Honestly, when I was reviewing my thesis after I submitted, I wanted to beat myself up for making silly mistakes that I spotted, and told myself that I would be extremely glad if I could even get a B+. I know its hard to believe... but everytime I told myself that I couldn't make it, or that I was going to do badly, the holy spirit would intersect my thoughts and tell me otherwise. But I never did believe it.

I've felt God's presence so strongly through this whole journey. I couldn't have done it without Him. I couldn't have done it without His constant encouragement as He spoke to my heart in times of despair. I couldn't have overcome my panic attacks without reading His word. I couldn't have mustered the strength to overcome it without the encouragement and prayers of the many angels in my life. I couldn't have picked myself up after the setbacks during this journey without His hand.

Thank you, Father.

Now I know more than ever that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

I feel charged to continue working on my publication.

Chiong ah!

The only thing I feel each day is the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Lala

Harlow!

I'd love to tell you how amazing life has been... not because it was always smooth sailing but because I realized that despite my weakness and vulnerability, I know that I can be rest assured that I am safe for the Lord watches over me, and He is strong.

My thesis journey was eventful because i broke down mentally, which affected me physically as well. I developed panic attacks towards the end of the deadline and thought that I wouldn't be able to survive till 18th April. It almost felt as if everything was ending right there and then, when your heart starts palpitating and hurting, and when the world starts spinning and you couldn't breath. The heart pain was stupidly crazy, and sometimes it could go on for hours. The sense of fear was slowly swallowing every bit of me and i was in constant fear about my next attack. I realized how important maintaining sanity and health was. It didn't matter to me anymore if i had to fail my thesis because of all the crazy last minute changes. All I wanted was to survive through 18th April.

And i did. With alot of miracles. God spoke constantly to me through my pastor, my friends, and even to me directly. I could always hear Him speaking to my heart. Sometimes I'd pray for help, and Id receive a call from my pastor right at the time as I was praying. I couldn't thank God enough for His strong presence in my life at a time when I needed so much help. I submitted my thesis in time because I received alot of last minute assistance from my amazing supervisors. The verse 'when i am weak, then I am strong' sums up my eventful thesis experience. I used to think that I was able to accomplish and achieve anything I wanted, just as long as there is determination and perseverence. They say 'where there is a will, there is a way'. That was my life-long motto. But this experience has taught me that I am limited in so many ways. Having a will was not enough to pave a way. Rather, faith was the most important thing that kept me going through these time. I can't thank God enough for the wonderful friends who were constantly looking out and praying for me. I guess i tend to hold very high expectations of myself and it hits me hard everytime i can't meet it. I gotta have better stress management skills hmmm.

That aside. I'm also thankful for the break I had after our thesis submission. I needed that to clear all that vulnerability to panic attacks, which i was still experiencing even after thesis submission strangely enough. My visit to Bali was quite the experience. Not only because I enjoyed my time there, but because it opened my eyes to poverty, and how much in need of help the world is. While we were setting our eyes on luxury and enjoyment, they were working hard to survive with whatever meagre income they received. As we travelled along the roads and padi fields, I thought about my maids' relatives who died on the treacherous roads because of the dangerous driving conditions, and my dear Muji who was still working in the farms despite being heavily pregnant because her family was in constant need for money. It pains my heart to see little kids begging for money. What were they doing here? shouldnt they be studying in schoools? I couldn't wait for church service to pray for the amazing balinese locals we met during our trip, and to thank God for this exposure.

Anyhooz, I simply have to share some pictures of the gorgeous places we visited in Bali.

 

Gasps

Miss, you've spent $411 since the day of your thesis submission.

ARGH

My hearttttt is hurtingggggg.

Your smile is so beautiful. Thank the Lord!

It hit me when this nice lady said this.

Cos' it felt like I hadn't smiled properly in a long time.

I have been in constant anxiety because of this project. I couldn't enjoy church service because I felt suffocated from the constant fear, even though I wasn't doing work right there and then.

I couldn't worship properly, because all i wanted was for this suffocation to go away.

Wee wee asked me why I am so stressed up over this project. I probably have never been this stressed in my 4 years of education in NUS.

I guess its because this project is so very close to my heart.

Not for the grades, but for the women whom i had interacted with. I saw how vulnerable they were, and how important it is to publish this important information and initiate change. To do so I will need to write well.

But at the same time, I have a very low self-esteem.

So i keep thinking that this very important project will fail in my hands. And that scares me like crazy. If it should fail, it would seem as if I'd failed these women. And that would really break my heart.

No longer will I be consumed with fear.

Chiong is the predominant theme

Chiong ah CHiong ah chiong chiong chiong

I made a very ambitious move by emailing my dean that i am going to send her all the required documents by the end of next week. Which i know is impossible for me to achieve.

Andddd I've registered to present at an International Congress this May, on behalf of the research team.

Its gonna be a longggg and torturous week. I just hope I don't gas out. *chokes*

Everything is going to be fine.

It will. You have to believe that.

"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
YET I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.”



~Habakkuk 3:17-18

Be strong. It's okay.

I am responsible for taking care of myself. And if i don't do that, no one else will.

Diana Krall - Almost Blue

Almost blue
Almost doing things we used to do
There's a boy here and he's almost you

Almost all the things that your eyes once promised
I see in his too
Now your eyes are red from crying
Almost blue

Flirting with this disaster became me
It named me as the fool who only aimed to be

Almost blue
It's almost touching it will almost do
There's a part of me that's always true...always

Not all good things come to an end now, it is only the chosen few
I've seen such an unhappy couple

Almost me, almost you, almost blue.

Richard Clayderman-Nostalgia

My favorite piano piece of all time by Richard Clayderman.

Darling, every little thing is gonna be alright.

Work

Bed.

Just one of thsoe times when i get onto tumblr as a reward to myself after completing an assignment.

Yes, feasting my eyes on beautiful images is good rest for me.

I have no idea what drove me to reblog this picture but it just seems so forlorn yet quietfully beautiful. Images likes these spirit me away from the emptiness and the stress I face everyday.

Anyway, I've got nothing interesting to share, except for an update about my increased workload.

I've yet to officially start on my thesis writing. And today i did some interesting analysis with my professor. We're going to publish my findings, and hopefully the maternity hospitals in Singapore will act on the recommendations and be aware of some disconcerting issues that pervade healthcare for women.

Truly, i can't wait to start writing about them, especially after personally hearing from the participants in my study. I've learnt so much through this research and from writing Evidence based practice assignments. I do suppose they'll be useful for my professional development.

Although, right now. I'm feeling very demoralized because the only ward that i could feel comfortable working in has demolished.

Now i have no idea where I am going to graduate to. The thought of a very bleak and stressful working life makes me shudder.

For some reason, I feel very alone in my struggles.

I'm a workaholic, so eventually I predict that my health will be jeopardized. And then I'll die.

That's really all there is to my life, my reality.

My only escapade is in looking at beautiful images on tumblr.

I hope, for my sake, that I do not see you tomorrow.

Stuck in my head.

今晚，很想一个人静一静。

Come On Baby

You silly girl

Earth revolves around the sun
Not you.

I really have to get down to heck load of serious business.

The deadline does not get extended just because I'm sleepy.

Enjoy the moment!

You take the magic out of life when you try too hard to control everything.

Midnight Cupcakes

I'm damn sleepy. But I gotta do work.

So a quickie.







Orgasmic, might I say.

These days I feel totally "out of sorts".

Work is the only motivation in life right now.

And my friends keep me hanging on.