After work today, i finally got the time to breathe. At least there is no work tomorrow.
These days, I worked as if I have no soul, as if I had lost all personality and sense of self. I come home to do my reports and memorised hospital protocols in fear.... But still it is in vain, I am scolded like a dog everyday. I live in fear everyday. There is so much to know and so much to get adjusted to. And then I find myself going back to square one because the other nurses shake their heads at me for being inefficient, given that I do not have much clinical experience as compared to the ITE or Poly students.
I memorise and memorise, i grow weary, and she never fails to remind me how lousy I am. She'd repeat it everyday, and she wont let me do anything, because, I am too lousy. My fear and lack of confidence has caused me a brain block. I know my stuff, i just find it hard to apply it in practise. I worked without a break today, I stood and ran around for hours on end, from 6 am to 4 pm, with no breakfast or lunch, and a terrible headache. I got scolded again... I never got the chance to remove drains i told her, but i wanted to try. I was scolded again for not having done it. Everything was blamed on the individual. I did not learn these stuff, i learnt theoretical stuff that were seemingly irrelevant to the line of work, I memorise and ace in those stuff, but cannot apply it in practise. I just don't know why. They blame me for being lazy. But I've been trying hard to learn everyday. I study like a dog in school, I am not a lazy student. But I am such a doomed failure and an embrassment.
Someone asked me a question this morning, which has been posed to me for the upteenth time, "Why?... Why nursing?" She says... I have no choice but to be in nursing because i cannot apply for other courses in my diploma. But you had the choice, so why? I looked at her and didnt reply. I didnt know what to answer. I wanted to say passion. But i realized that passion cannot get you far, I may have been too idealistic. Why? Why did i choose this and work like a dog. All my theoretical work, all my hardwork at studying, where have they gone? I find myself not applying most of what I worked so hard for. Why am I doing this, be scolded everyday, and looked down upon ...
when all i ever wanted from this profession was an opportunity to care for others...
Amidst a busy afternooon today, I saw one of my NUS lecturers from a distance, she'd come to visit us. She came to me to talk, and asked if I was doing okay... we took a walk.. I've kept quiet and have been living in a world of discouragement, fear and hard work for this past week. Only to feel worse each day. I work with another NUS student in this place, and we experience the same problems. So when finally someone expressed concern, I broke down. Suddenly I am reminded of my all-too-idealistic hopes of providing care to the ill and needy. I am not lazy and I genuinely care for my patients. I never meant harm when I came into this profession, but I feel horrible... by all the judgment, scoldings and sometimes second class treatment.
When work finally ended this afternoon, i took some time to acknowledge my feelings and reflect upon the past week. A flashback reminded me of what I had said during my interview into the NUS nursing course where it all started. Prof Watson asked a very odd question,
"What is your greatest fear about the future?"
I thought hard... before giving an honest reply, "It is...to give up on a dream...".
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And I realize that I cannot give up. No matter what. I have to brave this storm. My God will be with me. When I study for my exams, I will tear down whatever obstacle that come my way. This period of clinical attachment will not be an exception. Afterall, being a nurse is God's gift and blessing to me.
I will continue to work hard and stay strong.. wherever that takes me.
Dry your tears and walk on.
