Sunday, September 02, 2012
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
Fears
Today is the last day of freedom.
There's really nothing to be too scared of or dread about, most would say.
In fact some are looking forward to it, the day when they start working.
I should be proud. I'm going to be a full-fledged nurse after 4 arduous years.
But I'm full of fear, and apprehension.
I'm afraid that in the midst of working... and in meeting the needs of the institution, and fulfilling the expectations of my managers and colleagues, I will lose a heart that beats for the ill.
I may become selfish, because I will try to be efficient and quick in a bid to meet the expectations of the institution... but may compromise optimal care provision for my patients... which more often than not goes unrecognised.
Care may becomes uniform-ized when it is based on protocols, which may neglect a patient's individual needs.
I fear for the nurse I will turn into when I work.
More often than not, when one is stretched, her personal needs prevail above all else.
When I grow impatient, will I curse and swear at my patients, muttering under my breath FON (full of nonsense) every now and then when I meet a difficult patient.
Will I fail to understand his/her difficulties, and the emotional turmoil they go through before judging them.
Will I be desensitized to pain and suffering?
Will I give up this dream when the going gets too tough?
So much uncertainties... too much worry.
But I must have faith.. that God who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion... (Philippians 1:6)
I must fight the good fight... no matter how tough the going may be.
There's really nothing to be too scared of or dread about, most would say.
In fact some are looking forward to it, the day when they start working.
I should be proud. I'm going to be a full-fledged nurse after 4 arduous years.
But I'm full of fear, and apprehension.
I'm afraid that in the midst of working... and in meeting the needs of the institution, and fulfilling the expectations of my managers and colleagues, I will lose a heart that beats for the ill.
I may become selfish, because I will try to be efficient and quick in a bid to meet the expectations of the institution... but may compromise optimal care provision for my patients... which more often than not goes unrecognised.
Care may becomes uniform-ized when it is based on protocols, which may neglect a patient's individual needs.
I fear for the nurse I will turn into when I work.
More often than not, when one is stretched, her personal needs prevail above all else.
When I grow impatient, will I curse and swear at my patients, muttering under my breath FON (full of nonsense) every now and then when I meet a difficult patient.
Will I fail to understand his/her difficulties, and the emotional turmoil they go through before judging them.
Will I be desensitized to pain and suffering?
Will I give up this dream when the going gets too tough?
So much uncertainties... too much worry.
But I must have faith.. that God who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion... (Philippians 1:6)
I must fight the good fight... no matter how tough the going may be.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Woes
Hi, good evening!
I prefer to blog on late nights because I get a bit more delirious. And so I write alot more without getting too concerned about its appropriateness for public viewing.
For the first time... in a really long time, I touched my nursing notes, metaphorically, as they were in soft copy.
I read through my lecture notes in year 1 semester 1 and couldn't help but smile upon those wonder days of learning about my profession, the human body, and more importantly, improving patient outcomes.
I recall my thesis days, as I was given the autonomy to brainstorm for ideas to promote the well-being of the women whose suffering I had witnessed in the course of my research. I loved what I was doing, and was faithful to the cause of improving patient outcomes. Nothing endeared me more. My thesis project was my life, my love. I was happy to be in a position where I could help relieve the suffering of others.
Although clinical attachments was stressful, it is undeniable that work helps me forget my life troubles and woes. Nursing has helped me realize that everytime I wallow in self-pity, there are others suffering a fate much worse than I am, who are in much greater need. It only redirects ones attention to their needs.
How could I have doubted? How could I have hated my profession? How could I have been so fearful? When i know that God is bigger than my worries, and that He provides.
He has ran with me in my race in NUS, and He will continue running the race with me to the very end.
That said, I forgot to announce on blogosphere that I've graduated.
Alright, on to another phase of life.
-----
Wait! Before that!
I'll have my one last vacation to Bangkok, next week.
Be very envious.
I prefer to blog on late nights because I get a bit more delirious. And so I write alot more without getting too concerned about its appropriateness for public viewing.
For the first time... in a really long time, I touched my nursing notes, metaphorically, as they were in soft copy.
I read through my lecture notes in year 1 semester 1 and couldn't help but smile upon those wonder days of learning about my profession, the human body, and more importantly, improving patient outcomes.
I recall my thesis days, as I was given the autonomy to brainstorm for ideas to promote the well-being of the women whose suffering I had witnessed in the course of my research. I loved what I was doing, and was faithful to the cause of improving patient outcomes. Nothing endeared me more. My thesis project was my life, my love. I was happy to be in a position where I could help relieve the suffering of others.
Although clinical attachments was stressful, it is undeniable that work helps me forget my life troubles and woes. Nursing has helped me realize that everytime I wallow in self-pity, there are others suffering a fate much worse than I am, who are in much greater need. It only redirects ones attention to their needs.
How could I have doubted? How could I have hated my profession? How could I have been so fearful? When i know that God is bigger than my worries, and that He provides.
He has ran with me in my race in NUS, and He will continue running the race with me to the very end.
That said, I forgot to announce on blogosphere that I've graduated.
Alright, on to another phase of life.
-----
Wait! Before that!
I'll have my one last vacation to Bangkok, next week.
Be very envious.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Never-ending tunnel
Life Sucks.
Like an emo kid, I've been muttering that under my breath for a pretty long time.
My biggest dream was to run away from everything... Leave everything behind and run away from everything to somewhere far away.
I'm dead scared about what the future holds.
It only seems bleak and daunting.
All these... as the day when i start work proper approaches.
Life can only go downhill from here.
But I gotta. be. strong.
Yes, I can do this. I will make it.
Like an emo kid, I've been muttering that under my breath for a pretty long time.
My biggest dream was to run away from everything... Leave everything behind and run away from everything to somewhere far away.
I'm dead scared about what the future holds.
It only seems bleak and daunting.
All these... as the day when i start work proper approaches.
Life can only go downhill from here.
But I gotta. be. strong.
Yes, I can do this. I will make it.
Monday, July 09, 2012
Sydney
Hi Netizens!
I've not checked in much because the happenings are all updated on facebook.
I went to Sydney if you haven't already known. And since then I've had the world asking me how my Sydney trip went.
I would hate to disappoint but I must say that it was not as wonderful as you'd have imagined.
It was a short 4 day trip, wherin two were 'free and easy' days. In other words, 'get lost' days. Yes, this is in spite of owning a map. I don't remember doing excellently in Geography in my secondary school days.
Yes so we were pretty much exploring the streets on our arrival day. I had no choice but to buy a SIM card to use google map. I've never really grasped how to use it while I was in Singapore. In fact, I've never touched that application. So I learnt it all in Sydney and realized its prowess. Henceforth, I would love to extend my heartfelt gratitude to the founders of Google map. Thank you.
I simply loved the weather. It was my first time exploring a 'cold' country. It was the Winter season over in Aussie at the time of my visit. All the places I'd been to had terrible tropical climates that isn't so different from Singapore's, although still better. Singapore, has by far, the worse climate ever for my dermatology. When i was in Australia, my skin was totally clear and never oily, and my hair was always smooth and silky. I think I have found my home.
As much of a joke it may seem, I had most of my meals from Chinatown. So I had mostly Asian meals. No, I didn't manage to visit the famous Sydney Fish Market, to your very horror I believe. Everyone fell off their chair upon hearing this piece of news. I didn't have time, and my hotel was too far from it. I didn't know how to use the railway system cos' it was super complicated. Taxi fares were crazy and we were going budget. It is a big mistake though. One should never go budget in Aussie. It's where you experience its delight and uncover its beauty, at a price.
Of course it wasn't all that bad. As disappointing as it may sound, I did enjoy myself tremendously. If I could go there a second time, I would definitely get a hotel near Central area, and a companion who drives a car.
Allow the picture to do the talking.
I've not checked in much because the happenings are all updated on facebook.
I went to Sydney if you haven't already known. And since then I've had the world asking me how my Sydney trip went.
I would hate to disappoint but I must say that it was not as wonderful as you'd have imagined.
It was a short 4 day trip, wherin two were 'free and easy' days. In other words, 'get lost' days. Yes, this is in spite of owning a map. I don't remember doing excellently in Geography in my secondary school days.
Yes so we were pretty much exploring the streets on our arrival day. I had no choice but to buy a SIM card to use google map. I've never really grasped how to use it while I was in Singapore. In fact, I've never touched that application. So I learnt it all in Sydney and realized its prowess. Henceforth, I would love to extend my heartfelt gratitude to the founders of Google map. Thank you.
I simply loved the weather. It was my first time exploring a 'cold' country. It was the Winter season over in Aussie at the time of my visit. All the places I'd been to had terrible tropical climates that isn't so different from Singapore's, although still better. Singapore, has by far, the worse climate ever for my dermatology. When i was in Australia, my skin was totally clear and never oily, and my hair was always smooth and silky. I think I have found my home.
As much of a joke it may seem, I had most of my meals from Chinatown. So I had mostly Asian meals. No, I didn't manage to visit the famous Sydney Fish Market, to your very horror I believe. Everyone fell off their chair upon hearing this piece of news. I didn't have time, and my hotel was too far from it. I didn't know how to use the railway system cos' it was super complicated. Taxi fares were crazy and we were going budget. It is a big mistake though. One should never go budget in Aussie. It's where you experience its delight and uncover its beauty, at a price.
Of course it wasn't all that bad. As disappointing as it may sound, I did enjoy myself tremendously. If I could go there a second time, I would definitely get a hotel near Central area, and a companion who drives a car.
Allow the picture to do the talking.
Had the most short-lived but wonderful experience at this quiet, lovely town, Leura village.
Spotted some dolphins while we were out at sea.
The gorgeous beach and cool air. First ever experience of an air-conditioned beach.
My first ever visit to the desert! O_O
I somersaulted off my board while sandboarding, by the way.
Had a serene lunch at the grape vine.
Not forgetting, Shopping! I got this winter coat for 19.95AUD.
I have fallen in love with Winter fashion. Reminds me of Harry Potter, every day.
I have fallen in love with Winter fashion. Reminds me of Harry Potter, every day.
It was about to give me a punch.
Some mountain landscape. Bloody chilly here.
There's loads more pictures to share but they're on my facebook. Check them out if you'd like!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
:(
Life is such a misery because I cannot go to Korea.
Sigh. But it's okay. Time will heal all wounds.
I'll find something else to do for utmost relaxation.
Sigh. But it's okay. Time will heal all wounds.
I'll find something else to do for utmost relaxation.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Insomniac Thoughts
Lately, I've read this amazing and awesome book that Pastor handed to me before my KL trip.
So I read it during the 6 hour trip to KL. Just first three pages of it and I couldn't help but tear for half an hour.
The message was so powerful and strong. It appealed so much to me that I was reminded of the very reason why I chose and wanted so very much to be nursing in the first place since I was a little girl of 5.
'Travel' nursing I used to call it. Travelling the world, to poorer countries and serving the ill and needy.
I don't think its actually called travel nursing but its a term I found somewhere on the internet.
The book was about an autobiography of a lady, who's also a nurse, and who had witnessed the very horrible plight of people in Zimbawe, who were struck with HIV. She couldn't help but be grief stricken by the terror she witnessed and asked God where He was in all of these.
I feel that too... many a times when I work. I cannot begin to describe how lost and impotent that feeling is... so much pain, so much suffering, yet there's only so much that can be done. Why do such tragedies happen? Why Why Why!
But these questions are pretty much rhetorical. You'll never find an answer to this. So I chose not to ask and just continued working on hard...
God spoke to the author when she questioned Him. And He spoke to her heart "It's not what I can do, its what You can do."
That message was so powerful I couldn't help but cry for half an hour just pondering upon my experiences in the hospital, my patients, the documentaries I saw when I was a little girl that drove me to this profession in the first place.
There's no time left, no time left to feel angst, no time left for questions. Every time and effort should be carefully dedicated to saving a world that is so in need of help. There's too much suffering in this world for anyone to worry about self-centered gains.
I'm inspired by people who dedicate their lives to serve and love the broken. I'm dead afraid of the journey ahead. Nursing is tough. But I need this training to mature, grow and be competent before I can reach out to the world at a macro level. I need strength, courage, self-discipline and wisdom to journey on in this precious calling.
Pardon me I think I'm a bit incoherent because its very late in the night and I'm not exactly thinking carefully
Goodnight and God bless.
So I read it during the 6 hour trip to KL. Just first three pages of it and I couldn't help but tear for half an hour.
The message was so powerful and strong. It appealed so much to me that I was reminded of the very reason why I chose and wanted so very much to be nursing in the first place since I was a little girl of 5.
'Travel' nursing I used to call it. Travelling the world, to poorer countries and serving the ill and needy.
I don't think its actually called travel nursing but its a term I found somewhere on the internet.
The book was about an autobiography of a lady, who's also a nurse, and who had witnessed the very horrible plight of people in Zimbawe, who were struck with HIV. She couldn't help but be grief stricken by the terror she witnessed and asked God where He was in all of these.
I feel that too... many a times when I work. I cannot begin to describe how lost and impotent that feeling is... so much pain, so much suffering, yet there's only so much that can be done. Why do such tragedies happen? Why Why Why!
But these questions are pretty much rhetorical. You'll never find an answer to this. So I chose not to ask and just continued working on hard...
God spoke to the author when she questioned Him. And He spoke to her heart "It's not what I can do, its what You can do."
That message was so powerful I couldn't help but cry for half an hour just pondering upon my experiences in the hospital, my patients, the documentaries I saw when I was a little girl that drove me to this profession in the first place.
There's no time left, no time left to feel angst, no time left for questions. Every time and effort should be carefully dedicated to saving a world that is so in need of help. There's too much suffering in this world for anyone to worry about self-centered gains.
I'm inspired by people who dedicate their lives to serve and love the broken. I'm dead afraid of the journey ahead. Nursing is tough. But I need this training to mature, grow and be competent before I can reach out to the world at a macro level. I need strength, courage, self-discipline and wisdom to journey on in this precious calling.
Pardon me I think I'm a bit incoherent because its very late in the night and I'm not exactly thinking carefully
Goodnight and God bless.
Friday, June 08, 2012
Thesis and BJJ
Hi guys!
Had a great time with my Professor yesterday. I think she's more proud of us than we are about the creation of the finalized thesis:
She was so happy to receive it she took pictures of it, smiled and adored the book like an excited little girl.
"Great work! Great work!", she chirped.
My maid and my Mom were very excited to see the book too. "Wow Wow Wow," they'd go.
I think my dad is unfazed cos he's done a number of these books so its not anything superbly fascinating to him.
As I look back and think about the thesis journey, I'll reminisce upon the verses and the constant encouragement I got from my Professors, pastor, family and friends that kept me strong through the state of anxiety and frequent panic attacks on the final days of my thesis submission. Life flashed before each time I was having a panic attack and when I was trying hard to get out of it. I was a total wreck, and in a total state of desperation.
Its a miracle I managed to get out of 18th April, well and sound, and amazingly got an A+ grade for it. Although after I submitted, I started panicking again because I got worried about some small mistakes I thought I made. The whole journey was just like a miracle. Many things happened during the course of this project that its too much to note it here and I'm lazy to write about it.
As I hear about my friend's struggles with anxiety disorder at work, I can't help but reminisce how much help the Lord had provided me during those tough times. I couldn't have completed the thesis had I not turned to God for strength and help. I pray every day for her and I hope that she'll be delivered from her current situation. We're extremely worried about her.
Anyway I'm picking up some new sport called Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. My whole body (including the crotch) is aching, mostly from the Muay Thai trainings as well as the BJJ class. This new gym that I am at, is mostly filled with sweaty buff men, who sometimes exercise little sense of public discretion and walk around in their briefs and boxers of all colors.
Too much time from work. I'd better get back to working hard and diligently on my publication.
Had a great time with my Professor yesterday. I think she's more proud of us than we are about the creation of the finalized thesis:
She was so happy to receive it she took pictures of it, smiled and adored the book like an excited little girl.
"Great work! Great work!", she chirped.
My maid and my Mom were very excited to see the book too. "Wow Wow Wow," they'd go.
I think my dad is unfazed cos he's done a number of these books so its not anything superbly fascinating to him.
As I look back and think about the thesis journey, I'll reminisce upon the verses and the constant encouragement I got from my Professors, pastor, family and friends that kept me strong through the state of anxiety and frequent panic attacks on the final days of my thesis submission. Life flashed before each time I was having a panic attack and when I was trying hard to get out of it. I was a total wreck, and in a total state of desperation.
Its a miracle I managed to get out of 18th April, well and sound, and amazingly got an A+ grade for it. Although after I submitted, I started panicking again because I got worried about some small mistakes I thought I made. The whole journey was just like a miracle. Many things happened during the course of this project that its too much to note it here and I'm lazy to write about it.
Anyway I'm picking up some new sport called Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. My whole body (including the crotch) is aching, mostly from the Muay Thai trainings as well as the BJJ class. This new gym that I am at, is mostly filled with sweaty buff men, who sometimes exercise little sense of public discretion and walk around in their briefs and boxers of all colors.
Too much time from work. I'd better get back to working hard and diligently on my publication.
Sunday, June 03, 2012
Hot Pink
I did some crazyyy stuff.
Painted my nails hot pink. I figured out that this was going to be the last time that I was going to have painted nails so might as well try a weird color.
And then, (kill me not) i got flamboyant copper highlights.
I'm starting to love colors very much. My new set of clothes will be full of bright colors!
Shopping in Korea shall fulfil my appetite for pastel colors.
I am relaxing too much. On to working on clinical documents and my long-lost publication.
Painted my nails hot pink. I figured out that this was going to be the last time that I was going to have painted nails so might as well try a weird color.
And then, (kill me not) i got flamboyant copper highlights.
I'm starting to love colors very much. My new set of clothes will be full of bright colors!
Shopping in Korea shall fulfil my appetite for pastel colors.
I am relaxing too much. On to working on clinical documents and my long-lost publication.
Saturday, June 02, 2012
Woots
I did something crazy! *Sings opera*
Anyway, I'm going to cosmopolitan Sydney for boring 6 days to experience the cold. We initially wanted Perth's farm stay. I thought i could bring all my favourite checkered top. Because it was going to be too cold in the farms during this time of the year, we decided against it.
For a moment I thought I could meet Nick or Brenda in Sydney but then I realized that he's in Melbourne and she's in Brisbane.
And because we're going with a tour group I bet it would be completely boring.
Only good part about the trip is that I'm travelling with MOMMY! My first time travelling with her again, since I was nine.
And then I'll go for my commencement, and head off for....
KOREA!
With my best travel buddies, Sis and Shan.
I can't wait. Dad has surprisingly agreed to lend me the DSLR camera. I'm gonna create beautiful pictures again. Just you wait. ;)
Anyway, I'm going to cosmopolitan Sydney for boring 6 days to experience the cold. We initially wanted Perth's farm stay. I thought i could bring all my favourite checkered top. Because it was going to be too cold in the farms during this time of the year, we decided against it.
For a moment I thought I could meet Nick or Brenda in Sydney but then I realized that he's in Melbourne and she's in Brisbane.
And because we're going with a tour group I bet it would be completely boring.
Only good part about the trip is that I'm travelling with MOMMY! My first time travelling with her again, since I was nine.
And then I'll go for my commencement, and head off for....
KOREA!
With my best travel buddies, Sis and Shan.
I can't wait. Dad has surprisingly agreed to lend me the DSLR camera. I'm gonna create beautiful pictures again. Just you wait. ;)
Friday, June 01, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Holiday and GSS
Someone pointed out that my latest blog post sounded suicidal. It dawned on me that...sheez yea it does sound like it!
Allow me to reassure that I was just randomly ranting like I always do when I feel angsty. I missed being in a foreign land and meeting new people, forgetting about the past and worrying about the future, simply living in the present and at the moment.
My holiday plans are still not finalized but I hope I can go to Japan. Korea is unfortunately cancelled :(.
I do hope to visit Australia, although the only thing thats holding me back is the cold. I'll have to wrap myself up like a rice dumpling instead of looking all glamorous in trench coats, stockings and boots.
By the way, today I had a sneak peek of the world since my attachment last ended on Sunday, and Oh my! GSS is indeed enticing. I regret to inform that I have bought $115 worth of merchandise in just one random shopping session. And they are worthless make-up products that I already have in my bursting drawer.
I have also bought more dresses to fill the wardrobe, which is on the verge of exploding.
I cant wait to do muay thai again and do something different from my usual working routine. I need some refreshment in my life.
I also need the coughs I've been experiencing to go away for they are a huge disruption to my slumber.
Allow me to reassure that I was just randomly ranting like I always do when I feel angsty. I missed being in a foreign land and meeting new people, forgetting about the past and worrying about the future, simply living in the present and at the moment.
My holiday plans are still not finalized but I hope I can go to Japan. Korea is unfortunately cancelled :(.
I do hope to visit Australia, although the only thing thats holding me back is the cold. I'll have to wrap myself up like a rice dumpling instead of looking all glamorous in trench coats, stockings and boots.
By the way, today I had a sneak peek of the world since my attachment last ended on Sunday, and Oh my! GSS is indeed enticing. I regret to inform that I have bought $115 worth of merchandise in just one random shopping session. And they are worthless make-up products that I already have in my bursting drawer.
I have also bought more dresses to fill the wardrobe, which is on the verge of exploding.
I cant wait to do muay thai again and do something different from my usual working routine. I need some refreshment in my life.
I also need the coughs I've been experiencing to go away for they are a huge disruption to my slumber.
Monday, May 28, 2012
I want to be far far away!
Yes! I'm finally done with attachments.
Can't wait for KOREA and Australia!
The ideal situation is to leave Singapore for many months and only come back in August for work, because i don't have much of a choice.
I want to live another life for a while.
I don't wanna be back at all.
I want to live in a place where nobody knows who I am and where I am fully uncontactable.
Especially on my birthday. I'm through and done with this present life, and my birthday wish is to live another life. That is all.
A pity I can't be in a faraway land on my birthday because my best friend who's going to Korea with me needs to be back by then. Maybe I should try travelling alone!
But with my innate talent of getting lost, I believe I'll never return again should I attempt to do so.
Can't wait for KOREA and Australia!
The ideal situation is to leave Singapore for many months and only come back in August for work, because i don't have much of a choice.
I want to live another life for a while.
I don't wanna be back at all.
I want to live in a place where nobody knows who I am and where I am fully uncontactable.
Especially on my birthday. I'm through and done with this present life, and my birthday wish is to live another life. That is all.
A pity I can't be in a faraway land on my birthday because my best friend who's going to Korea with me needs to be back by then. Maybe I should try travelling alone!
But with my innate talent of getting lost, I believe I'll never return again should I attempt to do so.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Life sucks when...
You're ill but you have a ton of things to do.
You cannot solve the mountain-load of problems.
You're feeling lousy but you feel the need to produce a masterpiece.
You feel that you're not good enough for anything.
You cannot meet the expectations of others.
everyday you're struggling to perfect something that will never be.
everyday is a losing race.
you have a low self-esteem.
you realize that you're the only person, who does not believe in herself, but you can't do much about it either.
You cannot solve the mountain-load of problems.
You're feeling lousy but you feel the need to produce a masterpiece.
You feel that you're not good enough for anything.
You cannot meet the expectations of others.
everyday you're struggling to perfect something that will never be.
everyday is a losing race.
you have a low self-esteem.
you realize that you're the only person, who does not believe in herself, but you can't do much about it either.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Oh my tian
This is top secret. I don't think I'm supposed to scream it out cos' results are not officially out yet but...
As I was pulling my hair and cursing and swearing while working on the publication and congress presentation, I received an email from my prof.
I thought it was about doing more work so I opened the email reluctantly.
To my greatest surprise, it was an email congratulating me for being the only one in the cohort for getting A+ for my thesis.
So I screamed and ran out of my room like a really crazy woman.
OMIGAWDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Honestly, when I was reviewing my thesis after I submitted, I wanted to beat myself up for making silly mistakes that I spotted, and told myself that I would be extremely glad if I could even get a B+. I know its hard to believe... but everytime I told myself that I couldn't make it, or that I was going to do badly, the holy spirit would intersect my thoughts and tell me otherwise. But I never did believe it.
I've felt God's presence so strongly through this whole journey. I couldn't have done it without Him. I couldn't have done it without His constant encouragement as He spoke to my heart in times of despair. I couldn't have overcome my panic attacks without reading His word. I couldn't have mustered the strength to overcome it without the encouragement and prayers of the many angels in my life. I couldn't have picked myself up after the setbacks during this journey without His hand.
Thank you, Father.
Now I know more than ever that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
I feel charged to continue working on my publication.
Chiong ah!
As I was pulling my hair and cursing and swearing while working on the publication and congress presentation, I received an email from my prof.
I thought it was about doing more work so I opened the email reluctantly.
To my greatest surprise, it was an email congratulating me for being the only one in the cohort for getting A+ for my thesis.
So I screamed and ran out of my room like a really crazy woman.
OMIGAWDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Honestly, when I was reviewing my thesis after I submitted, I wanted to beat myself up for making silly mistakes that I spotted, and told myself that I would be extremely glad if I could even get a B+. I know its hard to believe... but everytime I told myself that I couldn't make it, or that I was going to do badly, the holy spirit would intersect my thoughts and tell me otherwise. But I never did believe it.
I've felt God's presence so strongly through this whole journey. I couldn't have done it without Him. I couldn't have done it without His constant encouragement as He spoke to my heart in times of despair. I couldn't have overcome my panic attacks without reading His word. I couldn't have mustered the strength to overcome it without the encouragement and prayers of the many angels in my life. I couldn't have picked myself up after the setbacks during this journey without His hand.
Thank you, Father.
Now I know more than ever that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
I feel charged to continue working on my publication.
Chiong ah!
Saturday, May 05, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Lala
Harlow!
I'd love to tell you how amazing life has been... not because it was always smooth sailing but because I realized that despite my weakness and vulnerability, I know that I can be rest assured that I am safe for the Lord watches over me, and He is strong.
My thesis journey was eventful because i broke down mentally, which affected me physically as well. I developed panic attacks towards the end of the deadline and thought that I wouldn't be able to survive till 18th April. It almost felt as if everything was ending right there and then, when your heart starts palpitating and hurting, and when the world starts spinning and you couldn't breath. The heart pain was stupidly crazy, and sometimes it could go on for hours. The sense of fear was slowly swallowing every bit of me and i was in constant fear about my next attack. I realized how important maintaining sanity and health was. It didn't matter to me anymore if i had to fail my thesis because of all the crazy last minute changes. All I wanted was to survive through 18th April.
And i did. With alot of miracles. God spoke constantly to me through my pastor, my friends, and even to me directly. I could always hear Him speaking to my heart. Sometimes I'd pray for help, and Id receive a call from my pastor right at the time as I was praying. I couldn't thank God enough for His strong presence in my life at a time when I needed so much help. I submitted my thesis in time because I received alot of last minute assistance from my amazing supervisors. The verse 'when i am weak, then I am strong' sums up my eventful thesis experience. I used to think that I was able to accomplish and achieve anything I wanted, just as long as there is determination and perseverence. They say 'where there is a will, there is a way'. That was my life-long motto. But this experience has taught me that I am limited in so many ways. Having a will was not enough to pave a way. Rather, faith was the most important thing that kept me going through these time. I can't thank God enough for the wonderful friends who were constantly looking out and praying for me. I guess i tend to hold very high expectations of myself and it hits me hard everytime i can't meet it. I gotta have better stress management skills hmmm.
That aside. I'm also thankful for the break I had after our thesis submission. I needed that to clear all that vulnerability to panic attacks, which i was still experiencing even after thesis submission strangely enough. My visit to Bali was quite the experience. Not only because I enjoyed my time there, but because it opened my eyes to poverty, and how much in need of help the world is. While we were setting our eyes on luxury and enjoyment, they were working hard to survive with whatever meagre income they received. As we travelled along the roads and padi fields, I thought about my maids' relatives who died on the treacherous roads because of the dangerous driving conditions, and my dear Muji who was still working in the farms despite being heavily pregnant because her family was in constant need for money. It pains my heart to see little kids begging for money. What were they doing here? shouldnt they be studying in schoools? I couldn't wait for church service to pray for the amazing balinese locals we met during our trip, and to thank God for this exposure.
Anyhooz, I simply have to share some pictures of the gorgeous places we visited in Bali.
I'd love to tell you how amazing life has been... not because it was always smooth sailing but because I realized that despite my weakness and vulnerability, I know that I can be rest assured that I am safe for the Lord watches over me, and He is strong.
My thesis journey was eventful because i broke down mentally, which affected me physically as well. I developed panic attacks towards the end of the deadline and thought that I wouldn't be able to survive till 18th April. It almost felt as if everything was ending right there and then, when your heart starts palpitating and hurting, and when the world starts spinning and you couldn't breath. The heart pain was stupidly crazy, and sometimes it could go on for hours. The sense of fear was slowly swallowing every bit of me and i was in constant fear about my next attack. I realized how important maintaining sanity and health was. It didn't matter to me anymore if i had to fail my thesis because of all the crazy last minute changes. All I wanted was to survive through 18th April.
And i did. With alot of miracles. God spoke constantly to me through my pastor, my friends, and even to me directly. I could always hear Him speaking to my heart. Sometimes I'd pray for help, and Id receive a call from my pastor right at the time as I was praying. I couldn't thank God enough for His strong presence in my life at a time when I needed so much help. I submitted my thesis in time because I received alot of last minute assistance from my amazing supervisors. The verse 'when i am weak, then I am strong' sums up my eventful thesis experience. I used to think that I was able to accomplish and achieve anything I wanted, just as long as there is determination and perseverence. They say 'where there is a will, there is a way'. That was my life-long motto. But this experience has taught me that I am limited in so many ways. Having a will was not enough to pave a way. Rather, faith was the most important thing that kept me going through these time. I can't thank God enough for the wonderful friends who were constantly looking out and praying for me. I guess i tend to hold very high expectations of myself and it hits me hard everytime i can't meet it. I gotta have better stress management skills hmmm.
That aside. I'm also thankful for the break I had after our thesis submission. I needed that to clear all that vulnerability to panic attacks, which i was still experiencing even after thesis submission strangely enough. My visit to Bali was quite the experience. Not only because I enjoyed my time there, but because it opened my eyes to poverty, and how much in need of help the world is. While we were setting our eyes on luxury and enjoyment, they were working hard to survive with whatever meagre income they received. As we travelled along the roads and padi fields, I thought about my maids' relatives who died on the treacherous roads because of the dangerous driving conditions, and my dear Muji who was still working in the farms despite being heavily pregnant because her family was in constant need for money. It pains my heart to see little kids begging for money. What were they doing here? shouldnt they be studying in schoools? I couldn't wait for church service to pray for the amazing balinese locals we met during our trip, and to thank God for this exposure.
Anyhooz, I simply have to share some pictures of the gorgeous places we visited in Bali.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Saturday, April 07, 2012
Your smile is so beautiful. Thank the Lord!
It hit me when this nice lady said this.
Cos' it felt like I hadn't smiled properly in a long time.
I have been in constant anxiety because of this project. I couldn't enjoy church service because I felt suffocated from the constant fear, even though I wasn't doing work right there and then.
I couldn't worship properly, because all i wanted was for this suffocation to go away.
Wee wee asked me why I am so stressed up over this project. I probably have never been this stressed in my 4 years of education in NUS.
I guess its because this project is so very close to my heart.
Not for the grades, but for the women whom i had interacted with. I saw how vulnerable they were, and how important it is to publish this important information and initiate change. To do so I will need to write well.
But at the same time, I have a very low self-esteem.
So i keep thinking that this very important project will fail in my hands. And that scares me like crazy. If it should fail, it would seem as if I'd failed these women. And that would really break my heart.
Cos' it felt like I hadn't smiled properly in a long time.
I have been in constant anxiety because of this project. I couldn't enjoy church service because I felt suffocated from the constant fear, even though I wasn't doing work right there and then.
I couldn't worship properly, because all i wanted was for this suffocation to go away.
Wee wee asked me why I am so stressed up over this project. I probably have never been this stressed in my 4 years of education in NUS.
I guess its because this project is so very close to my heart.
Not for the grades, but for the women whom i had interacted with. I saw how vulnerable they were, and how important it is to publish this important information and initiate change. To do so I will need to write well.
But at the same time, I have a very low self-esteem.
So i keep thinking that this very important project will fail in my hands. And that scares me like crazy. If it should fail, it would seem as if I'd failed these women. And that would really break my heart.
Monday, April 02, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Chiong is the predominant theme
Chiong ah CHiong ah chiong chiong chiong
I made a very ambitious move by emailing my dean that i am going to send her all the required documents by the end of next week. Which i know is impossible for me to achieve.
Andddd I've registered to present at an International Congress this May, on behalf of the research team.
Its gonna be a longggg and torturous week. I just hope I don't gas out. *chokes*
I made a very ambitious move by emailing my dean that i am going to send her all the required documents by the end of next week. Which i know is impossible for me to achieve.
Andddd I've registered to present at an International Congress this May, on behalf of the research team.
Its gonna be a longggg and torturous week. I just hope I don't gas out. *chokes*
Friday, March 16, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
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