I'd love to tell you how amazing life has been... not because it was always smooth sailing but because I realized that despite my weakness and vulnerability, I know that I can be rest assured that I am safe for the Lord watches over me, and He is strong.
My thesis journey was eventful because i broke down mentally, which affected me physically as well. I developed panic attacks towards the end of the deadline and thought that I wouldn't be able to survive till 18th April. It almost felt as if everything was ending right there and then, when your heart starts palpitating and hurting, and when the world starts spinning and you couldn't breath. The heart pain was stupidly crazy, and sometimes it could go on for hours. The sense of fear was slowly swallowing every bit of me and i was in constant fear about my next attack. I realized how important maintaining sanity and health was. It didn't matter to me anymore if i had to fail my thesis because of all the crazy last minute changes. All I wanted was to survive through 18th April.
And i did. With alot of miracles. God spoke constantly to me through my pastor, my friends, and even to me directly. I could always hear Him speaking to my heart. Sometimes I'd pray for help, and Id receive a call from my pastor right at the time as I was praying. I couldn't thank God enough for His strong presence in my life at a time when I needed so much help. I submitted my thesis in time because I received alot of last minute assistance from my amazing supervisors. The verse 'when i am weak, then I am strong' sums up my eventful thesis experience. I used to think that I was able to accomplish and achieve anything I wanted, just as long as there is determination and perseverence. They say 'where there is a will, there is a way'. That was my life-long motto. But this experience has taught me that I am limited in so many ways. Having a will was not enough to pave a way. Rather, faith was the most important thing that kept me going through these time. I can't thank God enough for the wonderful friends who were constantly looking out and praying for me. I guess i tend to hold very high expectations of myself and it hits me hard everytime i can't meet it. I gotta have better stress management skills hmmm.
That aside. I'm also thankful for the break I had after our thesis submission. I needed that to clear all that vulnerability to panic attacks, which i was still experiencing even after thesis submission strangely enough. My visit to Bali was quite the experience. Not only because I enjoyed my time there, but because it opened my eyes to poverty, and how much in need of help the world is. While we were setting our eyes on luxury and enjoyment, they were working hard to survive with whatever meagre income they received. As we travelled along the roads and padi fields, I thought about my maids' relatives who died on the treacherous roads because of the dangerous driving conditions, and my dear Muji who was still working in the farms despite being heavily pregnant because her family was in constant need for money. It pains my heart to see little kids begging for money. What were they doing here? shouldnt they be studying in schoools? I couldn't wait for church service to pray for the amazing balinese locals we met during our trip, and to thank God for this exposure.
Anyhooz, I simply have to share some pictures of the gorgeous places we visited in Bali.
