Fig leaves.

It feels like a fresh new beginning.

I was at youth camp yesterday.

There was a special musical session by Oops Asia, a guest performance item. The musical was good, but wasn't spiritually impactful.
What really nailed it was the preaching.

That young, seemingly boring-looking dude, spoke with so much impact through the content of his speech.

It was like he nailed every hurt in my heart.

He spoke of fig leaves.

Then the eyes of both (Adam and Eve) were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.  

  - Genesis 3:7 ESV 

The fig tree, in the past, was a source of security and income. Its fruits were sold to garner income for the people of Israel and Palestine.

Similarly he was using the fig leaves, as a metaphor, which we clothe ourselves with to hide our humanly insecurities, such as physical appearance, achievements, etc.

Because we do not want others to see the way we see ourselves.

But in an instant, the fig leaves may be blown away by a gush of wind.

Leaving us in all our nakedness, and vulnerability.

I listened with intent as he delivered his speech. Because I'd never thought of it that way. My achievements are simply fig leaves. And yes, the worries I'm facing, stems from the fear that a gush of wind will blow my fig leaves away in an instant. The knowledge that this was impending had burdened me for months.

As the pastor called people to come to the altar to be prayed for, I really wanted to get up, but was as usual shy to.

It takes courage to walk up to the altar. Furthermore, I was among a lot of people and the front area was too crowded.

It was not until the pastor mentioned about a message to girls about physical appearance, beauty and modesty, did I muster enough courage to walk up.

Because I am all too familiar with that fig leave.

As I got up there, I felt embarrassed. Because I'd situated myself way too far back, amongst those that didn't get out, so much so that the praying volunteers did not realize that I had come to the altar.

Yes I was embarrassed. So I prayed for the people ahead of me. It was always better than praying for myself.

Even though I had taken the courage to walk up to the altar, this act was all too familiar. I had done similar during other church services but I hadn't experienced any change to my emptiness, my brokenness. Sure I'd feel enlivened for an hour or two, but life returns to status quo of spiritual dryness thereafter.

A lady however came beside me quite some time later, she spoke in tongues, and I spoke with her. She paused. And said,

God has spoken to my heart to give you this message

He has not forgotten you.

And He has a very special task for you for His people.

and prayed for the healing of my brokenness and for God's anointing over me.

I broke out in tears, immediately. I'd not experienced this in years.

I remembered the times as I cried out to him in my bathroom (while bathing.. yes I pray while bathing because I am usually mentally unoccupied during this activity)

God have you forgotten me? Why have you forsaken. Have you forgotten why You'd brought me into nursing in the first place... Have you forgotten your plans for me in this beautiful profession? Have you not seen the hurt I face. Have You forgotten me? Have I forgotten...

The nights I'd pray on end, emptiness-filled. I've prayed to surrender to him, and still nothing happens. I've tried to read the bible, I've tried to be serious with every reading. Still, I felt empty.

But that very afternoon, He told me that He sees my pain, my hurt, and that He has not forgotten me and His very plans for me.

Nursing has always been a spiritual calling.

A spiritual calling to care for the ill and needy, the hurt and the broken, the people He so loves.

He was with me, through and through, from the time I worked hard to clinch the interview to get into the school of nursing in NUS, to my arduous time of study in the school of nursing, up till that very miraculous achievement in my honors year of study, working with my guardian angels, my professors, who supported me relentlessly even after my graduation, the director of research in my hospital who supported me and gave me valuable opportunities to grow.

But recently, everything is starting to fall apart. I was embarrassed at my desensitization to my patient's pain, hurt, sadness, and needs. My research director had to leave the hospital, leaving all the plans and opportunities she had for me hanging, the dean of NUS nursing school has left, she had played a vital role in my achievements.

I was left, standing alone, in the wind, fig leaves strewn.

Very soon, those that I have used to cover myself - my escalated progression, my research, my scholarship offer, will be blown away.

My greatest fear is to be left exposed in all my nakedness, the way I saw myself - unachieving, unintellectual, average, and ugly.

But God wants to clothe me with His everlasting love and grace.

And curse the fig leaves we use to clothe ourselves.

I never have to feel naked, vulnerable, hopeless and empty.

We are not forgotten.

Knowing yourself

In an ever-changing, ever-evolving world, you are your most beautiful constant. - Mandy Hale

Love my new props!

 

 

 

I love my new room.

 

 

 

And so does Cookeh.

 

Zombied

I had approximately 5 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours.

I'm not sure what caused me to be utterly depressed.

But I am right now.

After my string of night shifts today, I attended an important meeting and headed out to meet some friends to celebrate a friend's birthday.

I heard them talk about having fun, and felt particularly estranged from the idea.

I am nowhere near this conversation because it has been a long time since I last did something for myself and just basically have fun.

Its not that I don't totally not have fun. Because eating is a way of mine to relieve stress and a reward to myself for working hard.

I suppose I don't even realize how hard I work until today.

I think about my poor patients, and suddenly realized how much my world had centered around them, and making the world a better place for them

But it also dawned on me that I had cared about everyone else and work, but myself.

Being aware of this, I felt really lonely. As if being acutely aware that I am cared for by no one, not even myself.

I cannot help but feel extraordinary today. 

I think it's the hormones. 

On this full moon night,

I thank God for all his blessings.

Mooncake

My reserved box of pretty mooncakes is finally here! 

I have such a sweet tooth. 🙅

I'm back for a peek.

I'm an introvert so I don't really like to write about my life on a public platform.

I used to.. don't fancy it so much anymore.

Or rather, I have grown a little lazy and self-absorbed.. with myself and work.

I think I'm finally getting the hang of being a nurse. I enjoy moments of tucking my patients into bed, giving them a ring after their discharge and learning of their conditions since the treatments, learning about symptoms of various conditions from subjective viewpoints of experiencers themselves, and simply praying and hoping with all earnesty that they take care of themselves and don't fall too ill again.

I love learning about medical conditions and its pathophysiology. Instead of understanding these by theories, I see it unfolding before me on a patient, and understand it a whole lot better.

I've been given the privilege to work on research on top of clinical work.

Unfortunately these days, I'm starting to find research a chore, even though I've advanced well in it thus far. We competed with the doctors of my hospital for a grant, and we were successful! $$$
We were in jubilee. Such was a first in nursing in my hospital. Imagine the glee on the face of the nursing research director.

'It is a good research.'

I've had plans to obtain my doctorate in a far away land. Unfortunately, I'm lax-ing a little too much. Sipping to tea, eating cakes, and listening to French music.

I'll need to find some sort of discipline to get my act together before all success we've had comes to naught.

Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

"There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience, & that is not learning from experience."

The skin

I'm a slow dying flower
I’m the frost killing hour
sweet turning sour
& untouchable.
Well, contempt loves the silence
it thrives in the dark,
the fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
but I don't need them... no I don't need them.

Its a long journey ahead,

And I'm always afraid that I'm not good enough to pull through.

I want to stand in every trial and heartbreak, victorious.

And i can only do it through You.

Only you, matter.

Yes, only you.

Wooooo

I'm so happy I could dance!!!

And you know why? Because I'm going on annual leave.

All the many things I can do during this hot break, including catching up on readings, finishing my publication draft and whatever not.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I just read the book, 7 Habits of Effective Living. And realized how important it was to have a vision and mission in life... a paradigm to live by.

I think it's important I set these out so that I dont waste my life away and live more effectively.

I thought about it, and I suppose the main impetus in my life at this point is to... serve. To enable and empower others, and to be there for the down, the ill and the needy.

I want to live life this way, and be a source of empowerment to my family, friends, patients, and even at church. I want to live to serve... for the glory of God.

I enjoyed researching. I know its important to embark on it because it is the only way to improve status quo... the only intellectual way to get things going and make nursing a better profession, for the betterment of patient care, to empower the nurses, and make their work safer and productive.

When i was doing my research, I was deeply touched by the accounts of the women, that motivated me to put forth concrete evidence as a justification that more needs to be done.

On a sidenote, nursing is a great profession that deserves to be enjoyed. Unfortunately, there are wider systemic limitations that make it a much dreaded one, one that is filled with sometimes unecessary, stressful and unsafe work, which may be the source of deviation from optimal patient care, and high turnover rate. 

I've been wasting alot of time engaging in self-absorped living. But I am well and full aware that the world is in need of so much of help and that there is no time left to waste to make the world a better place. I need to continually engage in self-improvement and in research. Something I've kept on hold for a long while.

I have a huge problem. I have moments of self centeredness that bring me back to the more unhealthy centers of my life like.. possessions, beauty, social acceptance and pleasure.

I have had enough pleasure. I've actually never felt more relaxed in years!

At least I get to relax on day offs when I used to work 24/7 during my study days, day off or not.

But it is through these pleasure and freedom of time, that i realize that true freedom can only be given by God.

I feel liberated and joyful when i live for Him.

When I know that I'm living in strong partnership with Him.

I love God more and more as I discover His plans for my life. I see Him moving, teaching me new lessons each day, encouraging me to be courageous, strong and humble. I never stay down for too long because He picks me up anyhow and encourages me to get back on my feet. Losses and failures could only make me a stronger woman for Him.

Everytime I talk to Tims about God... it opens my eyes to see more about my walk with Christ. I am not rotten, as I always see myself. I told Father on Christmas and New years that I was ashamed because I felt that I haven't lived life enough for Him. But something that Tims said made me realize that serving God didn't have to be bound within Church boundaries...

I am serving Him as I learn to love and care for my patients. He guides me as I learn to manage my stress, prioritise my time to provide better care for the ill and needy. I am more thankful than ever that Lord called me to this profession so that I can serve Him in my daily life... through my work.

Loving and providing better care for my patients, is an act of God's love.

He has given me hope in a faithless world. He stimulates me in ways unimaginable. Take my life for it is surrendered to You, Father.