Zombied

I had approximately 5 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours.

I'm not sure what caused me to be utterly depressed.

But I am right now.

After my string of night shifts today, I attended an important meeting and headed out to meet some friends to celebrate a friend's birthday.

I heard them talk about having fun, and felt particularly estranged from the idea.

I am nowhere near this conversation because it has been a long time since I last did something for myself and just basically have fun.

Its not that I don't totally not have fun. Because eating is a way of mine to relieve stress and a reward to myself for working hard.

I suppose I don't even realize how hard I work until today.

I think about my poor patients, and suddenly realized how much my world had centered around them, and making the world a better place for them

But it also dawned on me that I had cared about everyone else and work, but myself.

Being aware of this, I felt really lonely. As if being acutely aware that I am cared for by no one, not even myself.