My devotional in the morning.

What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it? For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

I read it and a thought came to my wearied and despondent state.

My past achievements and freedom were given by God. Yet, i have now turned away from His hand.

The joy, peace and achievements in my life were not by my own efforts. They were won by God's grace.

These days I feel out of sorts, as if nothing is well in place. I often wondered why, and then I realized why.

I have not let God, have not had faith in Him as I did. Had not stretched out my hand to reach for Him and told Him to do it with me as I used to. I always take things into my own hands as I live faithlessly, and screw it up.

Walk with me Jesus, I cannot do this alone. Ive lost every motivation, every drive.

I need to stand up again. Will You be in this with me?

Flipped - The sweetest movie of all time.

Turkey

Baking in progress.

And smelling really good.

Phew!


I should be able to breathe a huge sigh of relief now.

Christmas

Christmas cupcakes!

With very interesting flavors:

Hazelnut
White chocolate cranberry
Butter Beer
Toffee nut
Macadamia
Rocky Road


Butter Beer Cupcake, a Harry Potter-inspired creation!

All made with love by Sis's friend, an awesome cupcake baker.



And not to forget christmas shopping.

Of course, Christmas is nothing without a fiasco.

Sis and I are responsible for bringing turkey to the Christmas party tonight. Only to realize the turkey that we'd reserved and bought is frozen. So we'll have to bake it.

All the best to us!

Retail therapy for Xmas!

I chickened out and didn't get Samantha Thavasa like I'd wanted to...

But I got L'occitane Peony Perfume!


Peony! The most beautiful flower ever!



And some pretty dresses.

:)

Retail therapy is indeed addictive.

The next thing on my wishlist, an elegant-looking watch!

Pink

I was checking out some pictures of Samantha Thavasa bags online after a friend had got one.

With utter horror, I realized that I have an inherent love for PINK.

Despite all my years of resistance.

When i was a little girl, I loved pink because I genuinely thought that I would transform into a man if i didn't love pink.

Then as i grew into a teen and developed an identity crisis, I believed that this was balderdash and that pink was for little girls. I wanted to grow up so I chose to like other colors.

Unfortunately, my love for pink has resurfaced again when I realized how in love I was with Samantha Thavasa items... especially the pinkish ones, and those with ribbons.

 

That is it. I'm getting one this holiday season.

Love.

I thank God for all the failures I've made, and for the losses I've had.

When I am weak, then I am strong.

Because without them, I wouldn't have leaned in close to You, I wouldn't have been on this crazy adventure.

Gaboobleh

I'm sick again and sipping to tea.

The drowsy effects of Chlorpheramine and codeine has made me most tipsy-ish and slightly delirious.

I can now understand why my patients are so cranky in the hospital.

I have time to blog, because I've decided to take an MC. Yes. Stare at me wide-eyed if you want. I have taken an MC.

And i dont usually take MC cos' I never allow physiological limitations to interfere with work. But... there's audit tomorrow so there was the incentive.

Today I went to visit the GP. Wanted to head there straight after work but decided against it on second thought or people might think I was working for the clinic, or they'll just tease me for being sick, as if the idea of an ill nurse is rather queer.

Like the time I went to buy plasters at 7 eleven in my nursing uniform, and the cashier had to laugh at me and asked "why would you need plaster?"

It wasn't until the GP auscultated my lungs did I realize I'd forgotten to wear my bra.

Anyhooz, he decided to take my weight cos' he thought I looked anorexic. And wow i am now a startling 42kg. I've lost 4kg since I started work.

Okay goodnight.

Wedding preparation

All excited to attend the wedding of a friend from church!






Can't wait to slip into this pretty little dress.

They say all happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.

So I had mine to kickstart my day off.


Red Velvet Cupcake and Strawberry & vanilla tea.

Ice-cream saved the day

After a mad and longggggg work week, I got to savor a little pleasure.

Salted Mister Brown Ice cream with my favorite rainbow and chocholate dipped cone. - From Daily's scoop.



Like an excited and spastic kid.

Not forgetting to mention the fact that I'd witnessed a couple of deaths and a series of unfortunate events in the past few days.

Sometimes I feel really impotent about my limitations to help in the situation.

And sometimes I just feel really hopeless and despondent.

Enough of my sad work life. Time to enjoy my long-awaited and well-deserved day off in the next two days.

My Short Leave from Work

Hi.

I've been having my annual leave of four days this week, so took it as a great opportunity to finally resume working on my systematic review that I owe Prof.

Had a great time working on it with a friend at NUS law campus. Its a pretty place with a gorgeous and oh-so-conducive library.

 There are pretty meal places around the campus as well and I had... check this out.

Blue Cheese and Peanut butter beef burger.


I just had to bold those four words to emphasize the exotic-ness of this meal.




Epic little cup of Machiato.



Last night I decided to take a chill pill and had a good night out at Buckaroo's with Tony and Sis.

Halloween's is over. But I decided to try the smoky-eyed look, by smudging some black shadows at the bottom of the eye.

Actually I don't think I will try it again.

Had awesome food with cheapppp beer. And now I'm suffering from a hangover.

Trying to remedy it with this.


Which is actually very lovely and therapeutic. But not helping much with the hangover.

This is bad. I'm going to suffer through my last day of Annual Leave, head to work tomorrow and start on another string of mayhem before my next Day Off at the end of next week.

Then, I'll be performing with Sis at our friend's wedding, of our acoustic rendition of Let's stay together by Al Green of which we have not succeeded on harmonizing to yet.

Theres nothing left to say, but goodbye.

Yes.

Too busy saving lives that I have absolutely forgotten what it is to live.

Because...

The mistakes we've made, are our valuable assets.

Fact.

"I think that it is very important if you know what you want, understand where you are heading towards, and try your best to get it. It is only when we use our hearts to do it, and fall in love with what we are doing, then can we really get real determination."

对不起.

Fears

Today is the last day of freedom.

There's really nothing to be too scared of or dread about, most would say.

In fact some are looking forward to it, the day when they start working.

I should be proud. I'm going to be a full-fledged nurse after 4 arduous years.

 But I'm full of fear, and apprehension.

I'm afraid that in the midst of working... and in meeting the needs of the institution, and fulfilling the expectations of my managers and colleagues, I will lose a heart that beats for the ill.

I may become selfish, because I will try to be efficient and quick in a bid to meet the expectations of the institution... but may compromise optimal care provision for my patients... which more often than not goes unrecognised.

Care may becomes uniform-ized when it is based on protocols, which may neglect a patient's individual needs.

I fear for the nurse I will turn into when I work.

More often than not, when one is stretched, her personal needs prevail above all else.

When I grow impatient, will I curse and swear at my patients, muttering under my breath FON (full of nonsense) every now and then when I meet a difficult patient.

Will I fail to understand his/her difficulties, and the emotional turmoil they go through before judging them.

Will I be desensitized to pain and suffering?

Will I give up this dream when the going gets too tough?

So much uncertainties... too much worry.

But I must have faith.. that God who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion... (Philippians 1:6)

I must fight the good fight... no matter how tough the going may be.

We always have a choice between hope and despair - no matter what circumstance we are in.

We always have a choice between fear and faith - no matter how bleak things look.

And we always have the choice to give and serve - no matter how little we own

- Rachel Olsen, from Proverbs 31

Finding the courage to do something for yourself feels good.

Never let anyone take away your fabulous without a fight.

Woes

Hi, good evening!

I prefer to blog on late nights because I get a bit more delirious. And so I write alot more without getting too concerned about its appropriateness for public viewing.

For the first time... in a really long time, I touched my nursing notes, metaphorically, as they were in soft copy.

I read through my lecture notes in year 1 semester 1 and couldn't help but smile upon those wonder days of learning about my profession, the human body, and more importantly, improving patient outcomes.

I recall my thesis days, as I was given the autonomy to brainstorm for ideas to promote the well-being of the women whose suffering I had witnessed in the course of my research. I loved what I was doing, and was faithful to the cause of improving patient outcomes. Nothing endeared me more. My thesis project was my life, my love. I was happy to be in a position where I could help relieve the suffering of others.

Although clinical attachments was stressful, it is undeniable that work helps me forget my life troubles and woes. Nursing has helped me realize that everytime I wallow in self-pity, there are others suffering a fate much worse than I am, who are in much greater need. It only redirects ones attention to their needs.

How could I have doubted? How could I have hated my profession? How could I have been so fearful? When i know that God is bigger than my worries, and that He provides.

He has ran with me in my race in NUS, and He will continue running the race with me to the very end.

That said, I forgot to announce on blogosphere that I've graduated.

Alright, on to another phase of life.

-----
Wait! Before that!

I'll have my one last vacation to Bangkok, next week.

Be very envious.

Never-ending tunnel

Life Sucks.

Like an emo kid, I've been muttering that under my breath for a pretty long time.

My biggest dream was to run away from everything... Leave everything behind and run away from everything to somewhere far away.

I'm dead scared about what the future holds.

It only seems bleak and daunting.

All these... as the day when i start work proper approaches.

Life can only go downhill from here.

But I gotta. be. strong.

Yes, I can do this. I will make it.

You can become the person you’re MEANT to be instead of staying the person you think you’re SUPPOSED to be.

 - Amanda Hale

Sydney

Hi Netizens!
I've not checked in much because the happenings are all updated on facebook.

I went to Sydney if you haven't already known. And since then I've had the world asking me how my Sydney trip went.

I would hate to disappoint but I must say that it was not as wonderful as you'd have imagined.

It was a short 4 day trip, wherin two were 'free and easy' days. In other words, 'get lost' days. Yes, this is in spite of owning a map. I don't remember doing excellently in Geography in my secondary school days.

Yes so we were pretty much exploring the streets on our arrival day. I had no choice but to buy a SIM card to use google map. I've never really grasped how to use it while I was in Singapore. In fact, I've never touched that application. So I learnt it all in Sydney and realized its prowess. Henceforth, I would love to extend my heartfelt gratitude to the founders of Google map. Thank you.

I simply loved the weather. It was my first time exploring a 'cold' country. It was the Winter season over in Aussie at the time of my visit. All the places I'd been to had terrible tropical climates that isn't so different from Singapore's, although still better. Singapore, has by far, the worse climate ever for my dermatology. When i was in Australia, my skin was totally clear and never oily, and my hair was always smooth and silky. I think I have found my home.

As much of a joke it may seem, I had most of my meals from Chinatown. So I had mostly Asian meals. No, I didn't manage to visit the famous Sydney Fish Market, to your very horror I believe. Everyone fell off their chair upon hearing this piece of news. I didn't have time, and my hotel was too far from it. I didn't know how to use the railway system cos' it was super complicated. Taxi fares were crazy and we were going budget. It is a big mistake though. One should never go budget in Aussie. It's where you experience its delight and uncover its beauty, at a price.

Of course it wasn't all that bad. As disappointing as it may sound, I did enjoy myself tremendously. If I could go there a second time, I would definitely get a hotel near Central area, and a companion who drives a car.

Allow the picture to do the talking.

Had the most short-lived but wonderful experience at this quiet, lovely town, Leura village.

Spotted some dolphins while we were out at sea.

The gorgeous beach and cool air. First ever experience of an air-conditioned beach.

My first ever visit to the desert! O_O

I somersaulted off my board while sandboarding, by the way.
 

Had a serene lunch at the grape vine.

Not forgetting, Shopping! I got this winter coat for 19.95AUD.
I have fallen in love with Winter fashion. Reminds me of Harry Potter, every day.

It was about to give me a punch.

Some mountain landscape. Bloody chilly here.

There's loads more pictures to share but they're on my facebook. Check them out if you'd like!

:(

Life is such a misery because I cannot go to Korea.

Sigh. But it's okay. Time will heal all wounds.

I'll find something else to do for utmost relaxation.

Insomniac Thoughts

Lately, I've read this amazing and awesome book that Pastor handed to me before my KL trip.

So I read it during the 6 hour trip to KL. Just first three pages of it and I couldn't help but tear for half an hour.

The message was so powerful and strong. It appealed so much to me that I was reminded of the very reason why I chose and wanted so very much to be nursing in the first place since I was a little girl of 5.

'Travel' nursing I used to call it. Travelling the world, to poorer countries and serving the ill and needy.
I don't think its actually called travel nursing but its a term I found somewhere on the internet.

The book was about an autobiography of a lady, who's also a nurse, and who had witnessed the very horrible plight of people in Zimbawe, who were struck with HIV. She couldn't help but be grief stricken by the terror she witnessed and asked God where He was in all of these.

I feel that too... many a times when I work. I cannot begin to describe how lost and impotent that feeling is... so much pain, so much suffering, yet there's only so much that can be done. Why do such tragedies happen? Why Why Why! 
But these questions are pretty much rhetorical. You'll never find an answer to this. So I chose not to ask and just continued working on hard... 

God spoke to the author when she questioned Him. And He spoke to her heart "It's not what I can do, its what You can do."

That message was so powerful I couldn't help but cry for half an hour just pondering upon my experiences in the hospital, my patients, the documentaries I saw when I was a little girl that drove me to this profession in the first place.

There's no time left, no time left to feel angst, no time left for questions. Every time and effort should be carefully dedicated to saving a world that is so in need of help. There's too much suffering in this world for anyone to worry about self-centered gains.

I'm inspired by people who dedicate their lives to serve and love the broken. I'm dead afraid of the journey ahead. Nursing is tough. But I need this training to mature, grow and be competent before I can reach out to the world at a macro level. I need strength, courage, self-discipline and wisdom to journey on in this precious calling.


Pardon me I think I'm a bit incoherent because its very late in the night and I'm not exactly thinking carefully


Goodnight and God bless.

Thesis and BJJ

Hi guys!

Had a great time with my Professor yesterday. I think she's more proud of us than we are about the creation of the finalized thesis:

She was so happy to receive it she took pictures of it, smiled and adored the book like an excited little girl.

"Great work! Great work!", she chirped.

My maid and my Mom were very excited to see the book too. "Wow Wow Wow," they'd go.

I think my dad is unfazed cos he's done a number of these books so its not anything superbly fascinating to him.

As I look back and think about the thesis journey, I'll reminisce upon the verses and the constant encouragement I got from my Professors, pastor, family and friends that kept me strong through the state of anxiety and frequent panic attacks on the final days of my thesis submission. Life flashed before each time I was having a panic attack and when I was trying hard to get out of it. I was a total wreck, and in a total state of desperation.

Its a miracle I managed to get out of 18th April, well and sound, and amazingly got an A+ grade for it. Although after I submitted, I started panicking again because I got worried about some small mistakes I thought I made. The whole journey was just like a miracle. Many things happened during the course of this project that its too much to note it here and I'm lazy to write about it.

As I hear about my friend's struggles with anxiety disorder at work, I can't help but reminisce how much help the Lord had provided me during those tough times. I couldn't have completed the thesis had I not turned to God for strength and help. I pray every day for her and I hope that she'll be delivered from her current situation. We're extremely worried about her.

Anyway I'm picking up some new sport called Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. My whole body (including the crotch) is aching, mostly from the Muay Thai trainings as well as the BJJ class. This new gym that I am at, is mostly filled with sweaty buff men, who sometimes exercise little sense of public discretion and walk around in their briefs and boxers of all colors.

Too much time from work. I'd better get back to working hard and diligently on my publication.

Hot Pink

I did some crazyyy stuff.

Painted my nails hot pink. I figured out that this was going to be the last time that I was going to have painted nails so might as well try a weird color.

And then, (kill me not) i got flamboyant copper highlights.

I'm starting to love colors very much. My new set of clothes will be full of bright colors!

Shopping in Korea shall fulfil my appetite for pastel colors.

I am relaxing too much. On to working on clinical documents and my long-lost publication.

Woots

I did something crazy! *Sings opera*

Anyway, I'm going to cosmopolitan Sydney for boring 6 days to experience the cold. We initially wanted Perth's farm stay. I thought i could bring all my favourite checkered top. Because it was going to be too cold in the farms during this time of the year, we decided against it.

For a moment I thought I could meet Nick or Brenda in Sydney but then I realized that he's in Melbourne and she's in Brisbane.

And because we're going with a tour group I bet it would be completely boring.

Only good part about the trip is that I'm travelling with MOMMY! My first time travelling with her again, since I was nine.

And then I'll go for my commencement, and head off for....

KOREA!

With my best travel buddies, Sis and Shan.

I can't wait. Dad has surprisingly agreed to lend me the DSLR camera. I'm gonna create beautiful pictures again. Just you wait. ;)