Im feeling like some total failure..I can neva revert back to when i was in sec2...when sis neva beat me..and priscilla lost to me in x-country..what luck..i couldnt run durin the impt race though durin tht year..cos i got sick all of a sudden..it reli hit me cos i reli wanted to win..but eva since i entered B division..in sec 3..I lost to evrybody..i became like such a failure..if i could eva perform like how i performed in sec 2 itll be a great miracle..but i always thot if i trained harder..i could get back like last time..but training for 1 and a half years..and striving so hard and not givin up..Im still like this. And finalleh..i give up..i know i am destined to lose..destined to be like this..like this..Im always tryin so hard i faint alwayz..I totally give up..its just fated..im not destined to eva win anything neva achieving anything..when i had high hopes in sec 2 i got sick..thot i could get back in sec 3..but neva neva neva..neva could get back. I wana break down and cry..I totally give up on myself..
durin the competition today howeva..i told god tht i gave up..im alwayz ending up disappointed and upset after evry competition..but today..at least til i got to the upslope part..i was running together with shikin, radhiyah and zakiyah..and i thot i could do it finalleh..but no..after the end of the slope i lost them ..i was so tired..and at the last stretch..Amanda caught up with me..That was the last straw..amanda did lesser trainings than me but still was ahead..she was good. And e moment i stepped across the finishing line..I blacked out like i neva had before..I could feel the rocks beneath me slashing across my leg as i fell but i could feel no pain and couldnt see nething..i could only hear..and some pple came ova and carried me..but i kept falling like a dead person..so they had no choice but to carry me onto a stretcher..i could hear em talk..i heard amanda's voice beside me...beside the stretcher i was lyin on..and the medical pple askin repeatedly if i was ok..but i didnt have the strength to answer..i felt water being splashed on me..pple tryina revive me or probably cool me down..I kept tryina reach for amanda and she kept askin 'what' but i couldnt answer i just held onto her hand while she squatted next to my stretcher..and i heard Rauf's voice..askin if i was ok..but i couldnt see nething..finalleh..i could open my eyes..and saw pple's faces..i got up but got reli dizzy and almost fell again but amanda held onto me..Rauf urgin amanda to hold onto me..
And that was it..and i felt pain..for the first time..where id felt the rocks..there were slashes and Bleeding wounds..got hurt when i fainted and hit the ground..
And i was soo upset..i totally give up..i was so lousy..my timing was horrid..it was the timing when i usually run reli slow deliberately durin my trainings..it was soo horrible..evryone was happy..smiling..but i had no right to be happy..No right to feel alright..I wanted to be alone..I just kept staring at the ground not wanting to do anything..i just wanted to fall into a deep sleep.
durin the bus trip..i didnt wana talk i just stared out the window while evryone chatted happily bout the race..the C girls did reli well..they got 5th..quite near to the target