down on my luck

ytd was a reli short post
and i noe i shd be bloggin very enthusiastically after how we'd won..
But i was not...
cos i wasnt in the moood to.
and i have to blog as if i was reli happy when the truth is i was not.
I neva thot this feelin would come back agen
it was gone yess...for like two years.
and the last time i suffered from it..I tried very hard to stay alive...i kept wanting to commit suicide...the only thing tht kept me goin on was my family..i tried reli hard to think abt all the bad things tht would happen if i did try to kill myself..it would be irresponsible to leave my parents like dat.
So i just lived day after day...fighting evry urge to jump down from my bedroom window.
And i wasnt sufferin from a heartbreak duh...tht would be totally silly if i eva felt so depressed ova a heartbreak. Its something else
Yess..tht was how i lived the last time i suffered from depression.
Like i wanted nuffin more but to alwayz dream tht id fly to another peaceful land
Dont eva try to ask me what it is i was sufferin i wont say it.

yea and i realized this feeling has come back agen
Although not as serious as the last time.
I want evrything to stop.
Its sumfin got to do with track.
But i have to train almost evryday
And all i eva want to do is to snuggle up in my bedroom and study
Or just stay back in the afternoon and do a self-study with weiyu or matilda or sitting in class with Yuhui
I dont know why i feel so strongly...like i want evrything to stop
I cant wait for track to end for me.
I have suddenly no passion for track like a click..and it all happened ytd.
Do not try askin me what it is agen i just wont say.

I cant wait for after thurs..where i dont have to face it nemore.
Gone, final for me.
I neva thot i would feel this way abt track...i loved track..until ytd.
I realized sumfin. And i wont say what it is.

So i dont wana pretend like im happy in my post when im reli not.
Of course, leavin track would mean leaving my wonderful juniors...and tht would be the only sad part...I would miss ying, sindhu, jiahui, amanda, hidayah...bla bla...all these wonderful team mates...thank u all soo much for makin track such a wonderful thing for me..u guyz are so lovely.
After sis left, arabel also left, i no longer run with amanda cos shes in jumping...so i miss em all alot too.